Disclaimer: I don't own the character's portrayed in this story. They belong to CC and 1013 productions. If I did, I would strap CC down and make him tell me *all* about Bill Mulder and tell me what Cancerman's real name is! Have fun, this is rated PG., and only has one spoiler for "Paperclip" and if you haven't seen that well... what 's wrong with you? As usual comments to me... I love them..

January 22, 1996

        Mulder double checked the locks on the door, and slid the chain lock in place.

        This was his day to relive the past, to remember the mistakes he had made, and accept that another year had passed without Samantha's return. His crusade to find her had consumed his life. Not a day went by that a thought of her didn't cross through his mind. There were two days of the year that were the worst for him. Days that brought back all the memories and the pain. Today was one of them. Today was Samantha's birthday, she would be thirty-one today. As he had often wondered, did she celebrate this day? Twenty-two years had past since he had last seen is sister, seen the real Samantha.

        Mulder walked to the windows, and closed the shades. He relished the darkness he felt comfort there. He made his way to the couch, the only light to guide him came from the cracks in the shades and the light streaming in from under the door. The light left an eerie glow throughout the apartment.

        Mulder lay back on the couch to begin his trip to the past. He made this trip twice a year. For Samantha's birthday and for the day she was taken from him. He owed her that much. To remember her and what had happened to her. Today, this was his birthday present to her.

        He thought of her. The redness of her hair, the way she made him laugh despite himself, and the toothless grin she had when she was five. He thought of all those happy memories, the birthday parties, the family trips, and the holidays. They were all good memories on the surface. He knew better than to dig deep into the memories because some were so painful. There was one though, he could never forget. This memory would always come to the surface, as if insisting that it be remembered.

        Fox stared at the small ornament in his hand. He had been helping his mother decorate the Christmas tree, but this year was not the same. Sam wasn't with them. She wasn't fighting with him to put the star on the top of the tree, she wasn't fighting with him over whether Santa existed... she was gone. She had be gone for over a month.

        The ornament in his hand was a small star shaped picture frame with a picture of Sam and him from last Christmas. She was so happy, so alive. Fox fought back tears that sprung to his eyes. His dad got real mad when he cried. Fox tried not to cry, but sometimes he couldn't help it. He missed his sister.

       "Fox, will you help me put the star on the tree?" His mother asked.

Fox looked up at her through teary eyes, unable to answer her. "Fox, it's Ok." She said as she placed her arm around him. "We don't have to put the star up if you don't want to."

        Fox could see the pain in her eyes. She tried to hide it, like she tried to hide the fights that she had with his father. The fights had only gotten worse since Sam's disappearance. Fox still could not speak, but nodded in agreement. No star would be placed on the tree this year. Not as long as Sam was still gone.

        Fox placed the small star shaped picture of Sam and him on the tree and wished upon the small star before him that his sister would come home, soon.

        Mulder wrapped the blanket tighter around him, he knew what was next. The memory that had eluded him for so long, that now he could not erase from his memory. Mulder moved his thoughts from the memory of that Christmas to a month before. The month his sister had been taken from him. He thought of the Thanksgiving celebration they had had. The last pleasant holiday he would ever have. He thoughts would not remain at that point long, the reason for his trip to the past was to remember what had happened to her. He thought of the night.... the night he lost her.

        Fox looked up at his sister waiting for her to make the next move in the game they were playing. He had decided that he'd let her win tonight, she was trying so hard he didn't have the heart to beat her.

       "It's your turn, Fox." Sam said as she completed her move.

       "Ok." Fox replied as he made his move. "It's about time for the Magician."

       And they argued. Argued about which show to watch. The argument was interrupted by the sound of the door opening. They both jumped in fright as the living room door swung open and a tall unearthly figure stood in the doorway bathed in bright light. Fox had to shield his eyes from the light it was so intense. He sought out Sam. He had to find her, protect her.

       "No." Fox screamed. As he saw Sam being pulled away from him.

        He had to get to her. He had to stop this. He ran for the gun his father had hidden on the bookshelf. He turned and saw her floating away from him.

       "NO, SAM!" he cried.

        He saw her reach for him, tears streaming down her face. She tried to scream, but no sound would come from her mouth. He saw her mouth form the words she was trying so desperately to say.

       "Help me, Fox."

        Then she was gone. Fox turned back to the doorway and this time the memory had changed. He saw his father just beyond the figure in the doorway. He stood watching Fox struggle to save his sister, but never offered to help.

       "NO!!!" Mulder screamed.

        Tears he held back for so long came free. He pulled his legs close to his chest and wept. The tears turned to sobs as he thought of what he had seen. His father. His choice.

       "I'm sorry, Sam..... should have been me..... oh god... it should have been me....." he cried as the words came out in gasps between the tears.

       "Why not me?" he asked to a man who couldn't answer him now. "Why you? Why didn't he choose me?"

        The tears came harder as he thought of what he had learned this past year. A choice had been made. His father had made a choice.... Fox or Sam. What hurt Mulder more than anything was that his father knew what was going to happen to her... he knew.

        Mulder set on a bench staring out at the dark sky. The only illuminations coming from a street light behind him and moonlight from a sliver of the moon. His memories had chased him from the sanctuary of his apartment. He had realized something tonight that he was not sure how to accept.

        He thought of the memory, so fresh in his mind. The memory of seeing his father behind the alien in the doorway. His logical mind knew he had not been there. The knowledge that he had obtained after his father's death left him uncertain of who his father had been. The photograph of all those men, and his father. Just what had his father been involved in? Even that mattered little to him now. What gnawed at his heart was that his father had made the choice to give a way a child. How could he have done that? After all these years Mulder had been blaming himself, thinking it was his fault somehow that Sam had been taken. Now after twenty-two years, he was faced with the knowledge that it was his own father that was responsible for Sam's abduction. That maybe it was not his fault.

        He looked up at the sliver of the moon. It was just the bottom edge of the moon, as if the whole moon was hidden from view by a cloud. All that peaked through the cloud was the bottom edge. Above the moon was a single star. So bright, all other stars dimmed in comparison. The moon hung in the sky as if waiting for the single star right above it to fall in to its waiting arms. Protecting it, waiting for it to fall.

        Mulder thought of all he had done since the X-Files had opened. He may not have the truth that he sought, but he had a way to find it. This quest was not about finding Samantha anymore. It was about stopping these men that worked on the edges of society. His father had been one of those men.

        Mulder sighed, his father. Was his father any different than the cigarette smoking man was? He didn't know. All that Mulder knew was that he was not like his father. He would not give into those around him. His fight for the truth was for Samantha, for Scully and penance for himself.

       "I'm not like you, Dad. I never will be." Mulder said as he looked back at the star and the moon.

       "I am not responsible for Sam's abduction. I won't carry this blame any longer."

        And he wouldn't. He would never forget what had happened to his sister and the search for her would continue. However, tonight was his last trip to the past. If he lived there as he had been, he would die alone like his father did. Being alone was something that he was tired of. He'd been alone too long.

        He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He would be alone no more. He listened as the phone rang, oblivious to the time. He smiled when a sleepy voice answered.

        "Scully, can I come over? I need to tell you something."