Hello everyone, this story is a follow up of sorts to 'Grotesque', if you have not seen it you might want to. There are several * SPOILERS * for this episode but none for the rest of season 3. I am rating this R, which as usual is probably too strong a rating. This is kind of disturbing (I hope). The story delves deep into Mulder's mind, and believe me that is a scary place. As usual, after the show I was left with the question - What happens now? This is my version. Hope you enjoy. *Many* *Many* thanks to Vanessa for reading this, for fixing those pesky grammar errors, and for the encouragement. Comments and constructive criticism [email protected]

        Mulder raised his head up from the couch to glance at the time, 3:37 a.m. He had found over the last month his inability to sleep had increased. Usually, he only got a couple hours of sleep before the nightmares began. The nightmares, they were different now. Not only dreams of Samantha, but of what he had almost become. He could still feel the pull of those demons he had chased. He could still feel the clay in his hands. The cold wet feeling that it left on his hands and in his soul. Those grotesque drawings still circled around in his mind as a reminder of how close to the edge he had come.

        A month had past since Patterson had been hospitalized. Several times Mulder had attempted to visit him. Each time he would turn away before he reached the hospital. There was something about him, something Mulder could not face. Was it how close he had come to being what Patterson was now? What had pulled him back? What made him stronger than Patterson? What kept him from crossing the line and becoming the monster?

        This was not the first time he had gotten that close, close enough to feel the hot breath of the monster on his neck. When Scully had first been taken from him, he had come so close. He had come a fraction of an inch from stepping into the darkness and becoming one of them. Just a second more and he would have shot Cancerman. He knew that, there was no doubt in his mind that he would have killed him, but something had pulled him back. It wasn't the words Cancerman had spoken, but something deeper. Something he could not identify. Another time that he had reached for the darkness was as he waited in his apartment for those men responsible for Scully's abduction. He would have killed to avenge her, but what would the cost have been to his soul? Something had made him leave. A phone call from Melissa had only solidified what he had been thinking. He felt as if he had had a connection; some kind of link. A link that held onto him as he reached out to touch the darkness. Some thread of hope that held him where he should be and didn't let him fall too far. This time that thread seemed weaker, he had come so close. So close to never coming back, never being the man he was. So close to becoming the monster.

F.B.I. Headquarters
X-Files Office
Washington, DC
7:00 p.m.
*******

        Mulder sat alone at his desk. The silence of the office echoed his mood. He reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a brown envelope. Pouring its contents onto the table, he arranged the pictures. Gargoyles. Before him lay the most grotesque of all the pictures, the face outlined in blood. He traced his fingers over the image, feeling the chalk and the paper beneath his touch. He closed his eyes and visualized the face, the eyes, the blood. He could feel the darkness engulf him, slowly circling around him until all the light had been extinguished. His hands reached up to the clay. He could feel the softness as he began to mold it. The demon wanted to be released. He began to work feverishly his breathing growing heavier and heavier. He could feel the darkness closing around him. He could feel his grasp slipping. He opened his eyes to see the demon he had molded. He looked into the face of.....

        The ringing of the phone snapped Mulder back. For a moment he could not remember where he was. Slowly it began to register. He looked at the desk before him, the gargoyles. As he reached over to grab the phone he noticed a faint gray residue on his hands. Clay. He suddenly grew scared. What was happening to him?

"Mulder." His voice betraying all the emotions he was feeling.

"Mulder, It's Scully. Are you o.k.? I called you at home, but you never returned my call. I was getting worried."

"I'm fine, Scully. Just getting caught up on some work."

"Mulder, it's 2:00 in the morning. Are you sure your o.k.?"

Two in the morning, how could he have been here that long? It was only 7:00 last time he checked the time. Seven hours, what had happened to him?

"Scully, I'm fine. I was just leaving. Don't worry about me. I'll see you in the morning."

"You can come by here if you want, Mulder."

"No, I'm heading home. But thanks, Scully."

"Bye, Mulder."

"Bye, Scully."

F.B.I. Headquarters
X-Files Office
Washington, DC
8:00 a.m.
******

       Scully came into the office half expecting to see Mulder asleep at his desk. She wasn't prepared for what she did see. An empty office. Mulder was not in yet.

*Well, he was here late last night* she thought to herself as she turned on her computer. Checking her e-mail she noticed a message from Mulder.

"Yes."

"Agent Scully." She was surprised to see Skinner. She tried to slide the picture under some files as casually as she could. Something in her still would not let her trust Skinner completely.

"Sir, What can I do for you."

"Agent Mulder isn't in today?"

"No, Sir. He is out sick."

"Have you spoken with Agent Mulder today?"

"No sir, is there a problem?"

       He approached the desk and picked up the picture she had been trying to hide. She was surprised to see faint glimpse of worry cross his face. Had he been sincere when he had told her he was worried for Mulder? He lay the picture back on the desk and glanced at Scully.

"I believe it has been a while since you have taken time off, Scully. Since there is nothing pending why don't you take the day off." He was worried about Mulder.

"Yes Sir, I think I will."

Without saying another word, he turned and left the office.

Mulder's Apartment
Alexandria, VA
9:30 a.m.
******

        Mulder lay on his couch staring out the window. He had never gotten to sleep after returning from the office. Ever time he closed his eyes he could see the gargoyles circling around him, as if they were waiting. Waiting for him to come to them. He wanted to wipe away the memory of those monsters. Wipe away their very existence as if that would cleanse him of their putrid presence.

        He was scared of what had happened to him last night, but something beckoned him to try again. There were answers he needed, answers that could only be found in the darkness. He closed his eyes and began to concentrate on the picture of the gargoyle. He could feel the cold darkness circling around him. Tendrils of it caressing his face, his chest, his heart. He could feel nothing in the wake of the darkness. It was taking away all the pain, all the fear. He reached out to touch the clay before him. Molding it as before.

        The pace quickens; his heart beats faster; his breathing increases. He can feel the shape of the face, its forming. This time when he opens his eyes to see the face he has created there is no interruption. He screams. Before him is not just one face, but four. He sees his father with a look of disgust; he sees Cancerman with a proud expression; he sees Krycek with an evil smile and he sees himself screaming in terror. As he begins to feel the darkness engulf him, a knock on the door pulls him back. The last thing he sees is another face. Not in the clay but just behind it. A face silhouetted in a pale blue light. The light pushes away the darkness, pushing him back.

       "Mulder" She had heard him screaming. Screaming her name. Nothing had ever terrified her more than hearing him screaming for her. She could see even in his dreams he was fighting. Struggling to escape from the nightmares. She reached out and lightly touched his forehead, talking softly trying to wake him. She thought back to the last case, seeing him so obsessed so involved. It had scared her. Now, the case was over, but not for him. He was still a part of it. *Mulder, what can I do?*

"Mulder, It's Scully." When he looked at her, she could see him struggle to regain his composure. He was more frightened than she had ever seen him.

"Scully, What are you doing here?"

"I came to see how you were feeling. Mulder, what's going on? Talk to me."

       "I'm fine, just had a nightmare." He got off the couch and walked to the window. He could not bear to face her. He was still struggling with what he had seen. Standing was harder than he expected. He felt so weak.

       She walked over to him, touching him lightly on the back she could feel him tremble under her touch, "Mulder, I am worried about you. Ever since...."

"Scully, I have to work through this on my own. I'll be fine. Really." He tried to smile, but it only increased Scully's worry.

"Mulder, I am here for you if you need me. You know that don't you?"

"I know Scully, I know."

F.B.I. Headquarters
X-Files Office
Washington, DC
8:00 a.m.
******

        As he walked down the stairs to his office, he was sure something was different. Ever since he had woken up this morning he had know something was wrong. He dreaded facing Scully after she came in to his apartment, in the midst of his nightmare. That however was not what bothered him, something was different.

       "Morning, Mulder" Scully said as he entered the office. He didn't know she had spent most of the day and night sitting outside his apartment waiting for the nightmares to return.

"Morning, Scully. Sorry about yesterday."

"It's ok. How are you feeling?"

"Better, I finally got some sleep last night."

Feeling, the word clung to him. What was he feeling?

"Skinner wants to see us in his office."

"Let's go."

F.B.I. Headquarters
X-Files Office
Washington, DC
9:30 a.m.
******

        The understanding of what was happening to him had hit him while sitting in Skinner's office. He walked over to the coffee machine, thinking of what he was feeling. Nothing. No fear, no anger, no guilt and no despair. Those emotions he had lived his whole life with were gone. What had happened that could make those emotions disappear? He thought of the darkness and the faces he had seen. Had they taken the pain away? As he turned to look at Scully, another realization soared through him. He looked at her and felt nothing. He dropped the mug he was holding. Shattering it into thick shards of glass which lay in a pool of black coffee. Nothing, he felt nothing for her. He felt none of the emotion he did before. The love, respect and devotion. He could not even feel the fear he wanted to feel. It was all gone. No emotions.

"Mulder, what is it?"

       "Nothing, the cup slipped out of my hand." She watched him as he cleaned up the broken shards of glass. She sat astonished and scared as he cut his hand on one of the pieces of glass. Never once did he flinch. He just casually looked at his hand in a detached way. As if the hand belonged to someone else.

"Mulder, you cut yourself. Let me see."

       He held out his hand, he didn't object. She looked up at his face. It was devoid of all emotion. The flicker of emotion that was always present in his eyes was gone. Dull brown eyes looked down at her. Emotionless.

"Thank you, Scully. I have some things to take care of before we leave for Tennessee. I'll meet you at the airport."

"Mulder..." He looked down at her. What had they done to him? Where was the man she knew? The man she trusted with her life? She felt her heart breaking as she looked at him.

"I'll meet you there."

Bill Mulder's Grave
10:30 a.m.
******

       Mulder stared at the grave of his father as the cold winter wind whipped his coat tails around him. He was impervious to the cold. He had no feeling, no emotions. He was dead inside.

       "Is this what you became, Dad? This cold unfeeling shell of a man? Is this how you were able to choose between Samantha and me? Is this how you were able to work with those men, become one of them? You used innocent people for your tests. You used my sister. How could you live with yourself knowing what they could be doing to her. Did you ever wake up at night screaming for her? I have, dad. I have. I can still see her face. Do you know that? I can still see her face as she screamed for me to help her. You just left us. Left us for them. What kind of man would do that. Give away his child?"

        He stood before the grave a shell of the man he was. Somewhere from deep inside him a sliver of emotion was fighting to get through all the darkness. Something had stirred it, awoken it.

        Scully stood far enough away from Mulder that he did not sense her presence. Tears streamed down her face as she listened to him. She wanted to go to him and hold him. Forcing the man she knew to come back. She knew that would be hopeless. He was gone and she had done nothing to stop it. She had let him slip away. She had let him become consumed with all the evil they encountered. Never once taking it on herself, never believing it was real. If she was losing Mulder, she was to blame.

Black Ridge Motel
Black Ridge, Tennessee
2:00 a.m.
******

        Mulder lashed out with his hand to fight off the gargoyle that approached from his right. They were everywhere. Their bodies were grotesque but their faces were familiar. The Gargoyle of his father, laughed and taunted him.

       "Fox, you let her get away. It's your fault Samantha is gone. You let them take her. It was to be you not her. It's your fault." Those words echoed in his mind over and over.

The gargoyle of Krycek laughed at him, "You're just like me now, Mulder. You know what you have to do. If you want to live like this, you have to make the sacrifice."

The sacrifice. What sacrifice?

The gargoyle of Cancerman, grinned "Mulder, I told you that you would become like me. Make the sacrifice, and all the pain will go away."

He sees himself, "Let it go, Fox. Let go of the pain, they will welcome you. Make the sacrifice. Kill Dana." Terror engulfs him. Dana.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO."

"Mulder, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Wake...."

        The images of those men still dance before his mind. He grabs the closest one slamming it against the wall. His hand tightens around its throat. He squeezes harder and harder wanting to destroy the monster before him. He suddenly sees the face silhouetted in the pale blue light. The sliver of emotion that was fighting to escape the darkness breaks free. Awareness rushes back to him as he looks into Scully's terrified eyes.

"Mulder."

"Oh, my god what have I done?"

       He crumbles onto the floor. Shaking uncontrollably as the emotions he had lost came flooding back into him. He looks at Scully through his tears. She had been the face in the blue light. She had been pulling him back all this time.

"Oh, Dana. I don't know what is wrong with me."

She sat down beside him, pulling him into her arms. Against her shoulder he cried.

"Fox, you have been fighting demons. Demons of your past."

"I love you, Dana."

Her heart ached at finally hearing those words.

"I love you too, Fox."

Bill Mulder's Grave
*******

Fox and Dana stood before the grave of his father. Her arm was wrapped protectively around his waist. He was saying good bye to the demons. Letting go of the darkness and the guilt.

"Dana, I had a dream last night,"

She turns to look into his eyes, now so full of emotions, emotion she was so glad to see.

       "I'm was standing on the edge of a chasm. The edge was so narrow that I could feel it crumble beneath my feet. One wrong step and I could have fallen into the abyss. I felt the ground beneath my feet slipping away too quickly. I felt the ground breaking away. I started to fall, but no one was there to help me. I had to struggle alone and hope my will was enough to hold me. Just as I thought I was going to fall, a hand reached out to me. It pulled me back, it kept me from falling. It was you, Dana. You pulled me back."

Fox reached out and pulled her into his arms. Needing to feel her warmth. He buried his face in her hair breathing in the smell of her.

"Dana, I have seen what it means to be without you. It terrified me. I don't ever what to feel that way again."

"I don't either, Fox. I've seen what it means to lose you. Don't ever leave me again."

******

       In the darkness an unearthly wailing begins. The demons have lost. Lost the man they needed to claim. Through the wailing another voice can be heard. Crying. The gargoyle with Mulder's face is crying as the pale blue light surrounds him. Taking away the darkness leaving him with only the light. The wailing intensifies until the man and the pale blue light are gone. He has escaped the darkness.